The Phoenician Scheme: Wes Anderson’s Beautiful, (But Boring) Work

Wes Anderson has made the most Wes Anderson movie that ever Wes Anderson-ed, and somehow that’s both the best and worst thing about The Phoenician Scheme.

It’s gorgeous, meticulous, and about as emotionally engaging as a perfectly arranged dollhouse that you’re not allowed to touch.

TMJ Rating: 🍿🍿🍿/5

What You Need to Know About The Phoenician Scheme

Zia Corda (Benicio Del Toro) is an international businessman who’s basically the most hated man on several continents, and for good reason. After surviving his latest assassination attempt (one of many), he decides it’s time to find an heir and complete his biggest project yet: the mysterious “Phoenician Scheme.”

His options? Nine sons living across the street like some weird boarding school situation, or his estranged 20-year-old daughter Lisel (Mia Threapleton), who’s currently training to be a nun.

Spoiler alert: he picks the nun.

What follows is a globe-trotting adventure where Zia, Lisel, and her tutor Bejorn (Michael Cera doing a Swedish accent that’s funnier than it has any right to be) try to sweet-talk various investors into funding this grand scheme.

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What’s the scheme exactly? Great question. The movie seems about as interested in answering that as I am in making myself dinner.

Is Benicio Del Toro Good at This Wes Anderson Thing?

Surprisingly, absolutely yes.

Del Toro brings a gravitas to the role that grounds all of Anderson’s whimsical nonsense in something resembling reality. He plays Zia as genuinely complicated. This is a man who’s done terrible things but isn’t quite a cartoon villain.

The real surprise is how well he fits into Anderson’s very specific rhythm. You’d think Del Toro’s natural intensity would clash with the director’s deadpan style, but it actually creates this interesting tension that makes the first third of the movie genuinely compelling.

Michael Cera is perfectly cast as the overeager tutor; he slides into Anderson’s world like he’s been there all along.

Mia Threapleton brings some nice dry humor to her role, though the script doesn’t give her nearly enough to work with.

But Does It Go Anywhere?

Here’s where things get messy. The movie starts strong with this core trio, and you think you’re in for something special. Then Anderson does what Anderson does: he introduces about 17 more characters, all played by incredibly talented actors (Tom Hanks! Bryan Cranston! Scarlett Johansson!), and promptly forgets what he was trying to say in the first place.

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It becomes this elaborate puzzle box where each new investor gets their own perfectly designed set piece, but the story just…dissolves.

By the end, you’ll be wondering what the point was, and not in a good, thought-provoking way.

But How Pretty Is It?

Devastatingly pretty. This might be Anderson’s most visually stunning film, which is saying something. Every frame looks like it should be hanging in a museum, and the production design is so detailed you could pause anywhere and find something new to admire.

The problem is that all this visual perfection starts to feel like a substitute for actual storytelling. It’s like Anderson got so obsessed with making everything look perfect that he forgot to make you care about any of it.

What Works for Me

Tom Hanks and Bryan Cranston have this vaudeville comedy routine that’s genuinely hilarious. Michael Cera’s weird Swedish tutor gets some of the movie’s biggest laughs.

And there are moments—usually involving Del Toro—where you glimpse what this movie could have been if Anderson had stayed focused.

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The afterlife sequences, where Zia keeps having near-death experiences and meeting God (sometimes played by Bill Murray), are visually striking and occasionally profound. But they feel disconnected from everything else.

So What’s the Problem Here?

Anderson has become too comfortable. He’s built himself this beautiful, creative sandbox, and now he’s just making the same sandcastles over and over again.

The camera moves the same way, the characters talk the same way, and the emotional distance that used to feel charming now feels like a wall between you and the story.

It’s like he’s forgotten that all his visual tricks used to serve actual human emotions.

My Final Verdict: Should You Bother?

If you’re a die-hard Wes Anderson completist, sure.

If you just want to see some of the most beautiful cinematography of the year, go for it.

But if you want a movie that actually engages with you as a human being rather than just a consumer of pretty images, maybe skip this one.

The first thirty minutes are genuinely good, so if you do watch it, don’t feel bad about bailing when it starts getting repetitive. Which it will.

The bottom line: The Phoenician Scheme is a masterclass in style over substance, and not in the good way.

Are you still excited for new Wes Anderson movies, or has the novelty worn off? Do you think he needs to shake up his formula, or is this exactly what you want from him? Drop your thoughts in the comments. I’m genuinely curious if I’m missing something here.